The Long Wait

I’ve been quiet on here. It started about a month ago, the worry began to set in and the fear grow. Usually my son has an MRI every 6 months to a year. Our Neurosurgeon gave us a reprieve and it has been two years since his last MRI, but gosh that two years went fast! (If you are new here, you can catch up on a previous post here – https://www.countingstars.com.au/2018/06/the-day-i-became-a-carer/ )

Really, I have remained very positive and getting on with my days. However the effects of the last few weeks have become apparent because my subconscious brain has been on high alert and working overtime. Consciously I can make myself slip into a mindful mode, getting on with everything day to day, hour by hour, minute by minute, but subconsciously after a period of time its like my conscious brain catches up to what is going on in the back ground. I’m not sure if I’m making sense or if this is technically right but that is how I feel, and I feel exhausted.

This time my amazing husband took my son into the MRI which gave me a mental break from the flash backs………

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Flashbacks

I have this one amazing experience going into the MRI room with my son, the doctors asked me hold him in my arms while they put the gas mask on and the beautiful Dr said taste the strawberries Liam and as he tried to lick the mask he fell asleep on my shoulder. It was special, Liam fell asleep in a very relaxed way and they took him from me and ushered me out of the room and it was a stressful but beautiful moment in which the medical team cared for my son and our feelings.

I have many other not so amazing experiences, one which the Dr came at my son pushing the mask on his face in my arms, my son was not prepared for it, neither was I, they gassed him quickly and then made me lay him on the bed, where his face and lips turned blue and he looked like he had passed away. It was a terrifying experience, stressful for both my son and I.

He is a true superhero

He did an amazing job, although he had to be pinned down by 8 sandbags and a weighted blanket. They decided not to inject him with contrast which gives me mixed emotions as to how effective the scans will be. Considering the MRI nurse told us before his scan on Monday that his last scans two years ago were inconclusive apparently?? Which I can assure you is very comforting!! Especially educating her about my sons condition (which is normal with most medical professionals we meet) and explaining that, really his scans need the contrast to get an accurate reading. Having her look at me blankly saying “We will try to get the scans first without the contrast”??

So we sucked it up again leaving the hospital to get back on with life again. On the way out there was vomit up the hall way and in a lift and there starts my flashbacks that have been haunting me since then……

Flashbacks

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He was so sick he had a had a seizure and he vomited all over the car park and hall way till we reached the emergency department. The stress of this memory hits me at every hospital visit whether it be an admission or a clinic appointment. There are blood and vomit stains all over the car park where other mums, dads and care givers have had to make this walk with there sick child adding to the stains on the concrete, fearful heading to the emergency department.

It’s a long wait now till we get the results, hopefully it will go quickly. Hopefully there are no changes. Hopefully there are other mums out there who get my story, and it feels similar to theirs.

Lisa x